Paul Simon’s ‘What Not to Bring’ List for Farewell Concert Is Astonishingly Thorough

By Jem Aswad

LOS ANGELES (Variety.com) – Concert security, especially in light of recent events and especially in a public park, is no laughing matter, and venues and promoters are to be applauded for the great work they’ve done to keep live-entertainment events safe for everyone involved.

Having said that, and with no small amount of respect for attention to detail, the “What Not to Bring” list for Paul Simon’s forthcoming farewell concert in Flushing Meadows Corona Park in Queens, New York, is remarkable in its thoroughness. Extra caution is necessary because of the large crowd expected for it, but also because the park — the site of the World’s Fair in both 1939-40 and 1964-65 — has not hosted a concert in decades.

And yet, some of the items on the list are perplexing, especially when one envisions the average concertgoer: Sure, expected items like weapons, alcoholic drinks, illegal substances, fireworks and glass containers are not allowed. But neither are drones, stuffed animals, stickers or hula hoops. That camera with a detachable lens? Stays home. Kites? No way. Squirtgun? Don’t even think about it. Riding your hoverboard to the show? Find a safe place to lock it up. Totems? We don’t even know what they are but you can’t bring them inside. Animals are not allowed, although service animals are (but apparently that does not extend to stuffed service animals). And in a ban sure to pierce the heart of any true Paul Simon fan, no selfie sticks are allowed.

Many large concerts have long lists of contraband, and we can’t support public safety at large events enough. But just try to keep a straight face when reading the list below (with a huge hat-tip to Caryn Rose ) …

WHAT NOT TO BRING
Aerosol Containers (including sunscreen)
Air horns and/or megaphones
Alcoholic beverages of any kind
Animals (besides service animals)
Any container of liquid other than 1 factory sealed bottle of water (1 Liter max)
Any items that can be used as a means to disturb the peace, endanger the safety of others
Bicycles (Note: Bicycles will not be permitted inside the venue gates. We will offer bike parking, please stay tuned for more information.)
Cameras with detachable lenses
Camping tents, canopies, or shade structures of any kind
Chairs of any kind
Coolers of any kind (besides those advanced for medical use)
Drones or any other remote flying device
Multi-use e-cigs
Fake IDs
Fireworks, sparklers, firecrackers, and/or incendiary or explosive devices of any kind
Flags and/or flagpoles
Focused Light devices (including laser pointers)
Outside food & beverage (besides one factory-sealed water bottle)
Framed backpacks
Glass containers of any kind
Hammocks
Hula Hoops
Illegal or Illicit Substances of any kind
Kites
Large bags, purses, or backpacks (larger than 20″ x 15″ x 9″)
Mace / Pepper Spray
Marker Pens or Spray Paint
Musical Instruments
Professional Audio Recording Equipment
Tailgating, grilling, or audio recording equipment
Scooters or Personalized Motorized Vehicles
Selfie Sticks
Skateboards, Rollerblads, ‘Hoverboards’
Sleeping Bags
Sporting equipment (frisbees, footballs, whiffleballs, basketballs, soccer balls, etc)
Stickers
Stuffed Animals
Totems
Umbrellas
Unauthorized vending or solicitation materials
Walkie Talkies
Water Guns, water balloons, or other water projectiles
Weapons, Knives, or Firearms of any kind